Musashi Mix Inq

After Eden

Posted on September 30, 2013

After Eden

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."

— Oscar Wilde —

( a sequel of sorts to Lilith and Samael )

Lilith + Samael

After the fall, they choose to keep falling…

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Midnight Radio – Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Posted on August 12, 2013

Midnight Radio

I can't believe it's already been 5 years. Our first dance at our wedding was set to Origin of Love.

Because love is not about conquest or sacrifice or submitting to some higher being.

Love knocks down the wall.

I spent far too much time building that divide, between myself and the pieces of myself I couldn't bare to hope for.

But then she came into my life and the bricks crumbled to dust.

In that warm embrace we are free to be ourselves.

"And you were so much more than any god could ever plan, more than a woman or a man.

And now I understand how much I took from you:

That, when everything starts breaking down, you take the pieces off the ground

And show this wicked town something beautiful and new."

— Hedwig ATAI, Wicked Little Town

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Palliativity 202: I’ve come to far to go back now

Posted on July 25, 2013

It's been 6 weeks since my second RFA and I'm still a bit of a mess. This isn't easy to write. I feel like a fucking loser.

My pain isn't as bad as it was before my initial treatment back in January, but I had 4 months made of seasoned-curly fried gold. No limits to activity. No vicodin. Minimal injections. I even stopped taking all of my daily meds. I was free.

In May things started to backslide. I had RFA a second time. It worked so well before, but my recovery has not yielded the same immediate and miraculous result. At six weeks out, I'm still in pain. The nerves are dead but the muscles are aching, burning and tight. I've been struggling to keep things together. New meds. Vicodin every night. Having to pace myself… again. Counting spoons and tracking every detail of my day. The stressful and sad minutes deciding whether it's really worth it to go for a walk, see friends, try to go back to sleep or just count the hours.

My doc asked today if I'm depressed—

Before, when the chronic pain was at its worst, the act of living really came down to this: I couldn't let myself feel. There is a place for emotional self-assessment with chronic pain, but it must be done carefully and at a distance. Merely an observation, like checking gauges on the dashboard while cruising down the highway. Eyes on the road. On rough days, all that kept me going was momentum. If I stopped, everything stopped. I would just clutch my knees on the floor and rock and cry and babble and pound my head against the wall until my partner or meds or the cold light of early dawn would draw me out of it. I first believed in the soul because I was trapped inside of body inside of pain inside of a world that couldn't see me.

I exist in here. I promise…

And then this year, I was set free thru might and magic and research and lasers and compassion and tenacity and health insurance. Those four months were real and I'm going to get myself back.

So no, I'm not cured and I never was. I was merely in remission. This is a temporary falter in a lifelong struggle. Every morning I rally strength and every night I toast to the long night and a better tomorrow.

— I'm not depressed. I'm on a mission.

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Cara Mia – Chell through the Portal

Posted on July 22, 2013

Enjoy the artwork, you monster.

Cara-Mia

Cara Mia

"The Enrichment Center is committed to the well being of all participants.

Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.

Thank you for helping us help you help us all."

— GLaDOS —

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Pandora

Posted on July 15, 2013

Pandora

“You have made me ashamed of the wasted years.

You have made me acknowledge that no darkness has ever been deep enough

to extinguish my personal knowledge of love.

And all around me in this world I see evidence of love. I see love. I see it in the human struggle.

I see its undeniable penetration in all that humans have accomplished in their poetry, their painting, their music,

their love of one another and refusal to accept suffering as their lot.”

― Anne Rice, Pandora —

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Innocence

Posted on June 2, 2013

"Innocence"

"Innocence is most often good fortune rather than a virtue."

— Anatole France —

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