Musashi Mix Inq

2016: Looking for the Crest of a New Wave

Posted on December 23, 2016

2016. It's been quite a lap around the sun.

I sit here writing in the surreal warm glow of another glorious Florida winter with my pregnant wife and loving in-laws while Chicago and the rest of the world seem to be freezing over. A new age is rising and everyone has their opinion of when it started and who to blame. In reality, we are always living in the middle of a how. Rome is burning and it only feels fitting to be strumming along on my ukulele while staring down an alligator in my pajamas.

That said, most of me feels so liberated and happy; to be genuinely living for the first time. If that means launching into a time of fear and struggle, then I couldn't imagine being more prepared. Every carefully placed step of this journey has brought me closer to the world. From what I understand, this is the part where you meet the edge and jump; this is the part where you fly.

Sonogram at 21 weeks followed by meeting Laura Jane Grace on her book tour - 12/2/16

In my experience thus far, there isn't a single process more intentional than trying to get pregnant while transitioning. The day I started hormones in 2015 was also the day Steph and I found out we miscarried. This has been our hell and back year. Two IUIs, patience, and tidal waves of hope and support later, here we are. While heroes fall and pervasive hate continues to rise to the surface, for me all of that loss is wrapped up in the old identity I used to carry, jettisoned off like a rocket-booster on my way towards the stars: action/ reaction.

I can't wait to meet the new person that my love and I have created. I can't wait to see how they will make this world a better place.

It's also hard to be scared when you meet one of your heroes the same day that you get your first glimpse of your future child.

"It doesn't look how it feels on the inside." - Laura Jane Grace, Tranny

I know that whatever our kiddo does, they'll be a rockstar.

Here's to 2017 and the next adventure!

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True Trans Soul Rebel

Posted on December 12, 2016

True Trans Soul Rebel

"All dressed up and nowhere to go
Walking the streets all alone
Another night to wish you could forget
Making yourself up as you go along"

— Against Me —

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“Set Me Free” – The Get Down

Posted on August 20, 2016

"Set Me Free" - The Get Down

"Music in the soul can be heard by the Universe."

— Lao Tzu —

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Life on Mars – David Bowie

Posted on May 23, 2016

Life on Mars - David Bowie

"I don't know where I'm going from here,

but I promise it won't be boring."

— David Bowie —

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Where Do We Go From Here? REbirthday the 3rd

Posted on February 12, 2016

PAL 230

selfie 2016Hello, friends. It’s been a while 🙂 It’s hard to imagine, but I used to blog about chronic pain every week as a means of trying to figure this all out and share what I felt in a way I never had before. All those years bottled up and here I was just trying to find the language of myself. Spoons. Mana. Just keep swimming. However small these exercises seemed at the time, they laid the groundwork for the strength it took for action and ultimate victory. The past three years have been unlike anything before and I’m working hard on learning to find the adventure in it.

I never thought re-framing my perspective in and of itself would be my biggest struggle.

Before I could get better, I needed a story. Starting the blog in 2010, I created a fresh life-narrative to get flow. Flow gave me the momentum to stand. From there it was just one step above the last, gradually climbing up higher and higher. And then, after all the struggle to find the tools of stability, control, freedom, bravery, the right doctors and the right treatment - all in pursuit of this life experience everyone else seemed to be having - I abruptly reached the summit.

I didn’t even know I was on an adventure.

But enough about before. At a certain point in the last year or so, I realized that I was in an epilogue. Not that I didn’t deserve the respite, but I came to accept that it was time for something new. A journey initiated by me. Not some malady thrust upon me or a dire situation that I found myself in. Now that I triumphed and possessed some basic pieces, what did I want to do wth my life?

No pressure 😉

I started weekly counseling at the beginning of 2015. It took longer than I’d like to admit to get me there. Despite the initial reluctance, it has been overwhelmingly worth it. I never really considered that an ongoing, long, intentional conversation about yourself could actually change how you think and feel. With enough work, this can eventually change how you live.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to accept is that I’ve missed out on a lot, and that horrifyingly no one noticed. Fear of missing out in reverse. Not regret exactly, but learning that there was more going on than I could have ever actually experienced at the time. For example: having emotions is not only a privilege but generally everyone just walks around having them. Mind. Blown. How do you get thru a whole day while feeling… things? How do you even get anything done that way when everything around and inside of you is screaming in HD THX Technicolor madness? Nothing is mind dullingly simple anymore, for better or for worse.

So now when I challenge myself to do something basic yet more ambitious than I ever used to, I start by grabbing the simple tools I’d improvised over the years that worked so well for so long. I set the goal. I stare it down, but it just seems so impossibly far away. So I panic. I freeze. I feel guilty. I withdraw. I’ve given myself this gift of life, but how do I even?

Life is strange. Feeling is strange. When we read existentialism in high school, I basically went, “ Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate…” not realizing that most people weren’t literally stuck in an irrational yet totally tangible labyrinth of such depth and challenge- or that there was even a way out. That there was something more.

Now I try to embrace the challenge; remembering in these tough moments that “this is an adventure”. Trying is an adventure. Failure is an adventure.

Aside from the day to day challenges and some residual pain, how do you even know where to begin? I’m trying to break out of this prisoner’s mentality. I am free to choose and I’m trying not to get overwhelmed by that. Freedom one day at a time.

Somedays I wake up and feel like I’m falling. I’m trying to remember that a little plastic spaceman once taught me that, “flying is just falling with style”.

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P.S. I just picked up my guitar and started playing again after years of it sitting dormant in its case. With a little practice and some new callouses, I recorded a couple songs I wrote back when I was 17. It feels so good to play again 🙂

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Palliativity 227: can’t even cry

Posted on March 19, 2014

"broad spirit comes back along the way

comes to me red, black, with a lot to say

she sit my tail down, pull the wishbone wide

she ream my head out along the way"

Diane Cluck

true-detective

-

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