Carriage

PAL 231

The last 5 months have been some of the toughest of my life. My partner and I decided in the past year that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. It’s a huge leap forward and has always been part of the plan for our lives.

Last November we had a miscarriage.

December 2015

It was 4am the morning my partner shook me awake gleefully waving the stick in her hand. I’ve never been happier in my life than in that moment. Suddenly, everything was going to be alright.

But just a few weeks later at the first ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. The cold examination room was vacated by the tech and we cried harder than I ever knew was possible. Later came the D&C and we’ve been empty ever since.

…

February 2016

This past week, I thought I’d try to make an art piece to capture the feelings that have been weighing me down so heavily. In times of my greatest struggles, I’ve always found it best to gain perspective and really process thru the creative process. Of course, I had no idea where to begin. And then the bottom of my stomach dropped out— I looked back and suddenly realized that I had already been making pieces about the miscarriage all along without knowing it. Most notably:

Bone Machine…

The realization hit me hard enough that I struggled to tell my partner. How could this have happened? The most personal piece of art I’ve ever made burst forth completely subconsciously. I keep waiting for the creative catharsis to bring me back to life.

…

It’s not happening all at once. Clearly, I’ve been a strandbeest for far too long; the simulacra of life shambling onwards without intention. All that is needed is enough momentum and the illusion continues. These heartbreaking past few months– my partner and I have been silently fighting an uphill battle with emotional entropy.

We are not done trying to conceive and the emotional processing will continue. We’ve come a long way with the the support of our friends and family, but I felt that it was time to write about something that no one ever seems to talk about.

As I recently wrote, “It’s all an adventure…” and the hardest part is living it.

March 2016

Thank you for being here.

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