Musashi Mix Inq

Palliativity 179: seeing red

Posted on January 17, 2013

My heart stops.

For the past four years, I have self administered lidocaine injections daily as a palliative to numb my chronic neck and shoulder pain. Sticking a 3ml syringe into my neck meat took a little getting used to, but it’s my only non-narcotic way of feeling normal. I only know of a few people whose doctors have trusted them this much. The only side-effect is that my neck is grey with scar tissue and I look like long-term a vampire snack.

Lidocaine: “the first amino amide–type local anesthetic, was first synthesized under the name xylocaine by Swedish chemist Nils Löfgren in 1943. His colleague Bengt Lundqvist performed the first injection anesthesia experiments on himself. It was first marketed in 1949.” -wikipedia

The only catch of this magical tincture is that if I hit a vein and inject, I would die. For that reason, I pull back the plunger every time I dose myself. I have only ever drawn blood 4 times. Each time, panic sets in and I freeze. I slowly pull the syringe from my neck and breathe; like easing off the hammer of a 1911, finger on the trigger.

averaging 4 injections per day x 365 days x 4 years = 5840 injections total

4 times I’ve hit a vein / 5840 injections = .00068

.068% chance of death if I don’t look myself in the mirror

My heart stops…


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