"Or like a panda with a mean face, or like sandals with pressure points drawn on them,
or the smell of a blackboard eraser, or a Sunday morning where you wake up and it's raining.
Well, I like him more than stale bread."
— FLCL —
"In the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organized robbery?"
— Saint Augustine —
"I've yet to read a memoir by anyone I've known at all well that came anywhere near to the truth."
— Gore Vidal —
The last 5 months have been some of the toughest of my life. My partner and I decided in the past year that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. It’s a huge leap forward and has always been part of the plan for our lives.
Last November we had a miscarriage.
It was 4am the morning my partner shook me awake gleefully waving the stick in her hand. I’ve never been happier in my life than in that moment. Suddenly, everything was going to be alright.
But just a few weeks later at the first ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. The cold examination room was vacated by the tech and we cried harder than I ever knew was possible. Later came the D&C and we’ve been empty ever since.
This past week, I thought I’d try to make an art piece to capture the feelings that have been weighing me down so heavily. In times of my greatest struggles, I’ve always found it best to gain perspective and really process thru the creative process. Of course, I had no idea where to begin. And then the bottom of my stomach dropped out— I looked back and suddenly realized that I had already been making pieces about the miscarriage all along without knowing it. Most notably:
The realization hit me hard enough that I struggled to tell my partner. How could this have happened? The most personal piece of art I’ve ever made burst forth completely subconsciously. I keep waiting for the creative catharsis to bring me back to life.
It’s not happening all at once. Clearly, I’ve been a strandbeest for far too long; the simulacra of life shambling onwards without intention. All that is needed is enough momentum and the illusion continues. These heartbreaking past few months– my partner and I have been silently fighting an uphill battle with emotional entropy.
We are not done trying to conceive and the emotional processing will continue. We've come a long way with the the support of our friends and family, but I felt that it was time to write about something that no one ever seems to talk about.
As I recently wrote, “It’s all an adventure…” and the hardest part is living it.
Thank you for being here.
"I am an open book, and I'm fine being me:
I'm not a perfect person."
— Tove Lo —
"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself…"
— The Pixies, Where is my Mind —